What does it mean to not belong to a group but instead, belong to several close friendships that do not overlap? Social psychology classes (not that I attended very many) insinuate that forming groups is a natural part of human social interaction. Forming a sort of alliance to reach a common goal, as it's formally put forward. But often, I can never share a common goal with a whole group of people. Or actually, I don't even have a goal. I don't know what I'm aiming for with a bunch of people. It's easier to find a common interest with just the single person. One life partner. One best girlfriend. One best boyfriend. One best friend to act stupid and do nothing and talk about nothing with. One best other friend to have serious conversations about society. Isn't that simpler? Well, maybe only to me.
And yet, it's incredibly lonely to not belong to a tight knit group. Here I am in this two-way problem - on the one hand, I like my single friendships because it's so much easier and fulfilling to maintain. I know who to speak to about specific things and where to turn to for specific problems, where to go to feel or say a certain thing. And yet, I long for that sense of belonging to a group or a society. To be accepted by a whole bunch of people who like the same things I do. Although, I know this will probably never happen because... I don't know. Because I'm too cynical? I think too differently? I think too much? I think thoughts that are un-thought of by most others? I don't know. ***
Lots of the time, I talk to other people and wonder why they think the way they do and why they come to the conclusions they draw. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not supposed to think about THE WAY THEY THINK but about WHAT THEY THINK. I'm supposed to relate to the problem, not relate to the way they think of the problem.
But doesn't that make me the same as everyone else? Won't that make me give the same opinion as what everyone else does about their problem?
*** Then there are the feelings and problems that I think God has designed exclusively for me so I don't speak about them to anyone I know at all. At least not extensively. They might know the gist but the details are always inside my head and never out. Mostly because I know they won't or can't relate. Even if they try, they aren't capable of giving me the advice I need because it is a decision/conclusion I need to come to on my own. I don't blame anyone for not being capable of helping me solve a problem or dealing with a feeling because they aren't in my shoes and they don't know how I feel 100% no matter how eloquently I can express myself. No matter what, my thoughts will always be mine. So the problems that I have related to thoughts, they will only be solved by me. And those are always the hardest problems.
There is the one person, however, who claims to know me better than anyone; maybe better than even I know myself. "I can read you like a kindergarten book", his exact words. Everyday I am grateful for this opinion, because even though it might probably be untrue, I'm glad someone feels they truly understand me because sometimes I don't even understand myself. On the other hand, maybe he's right. I actually AM an open book, it's just me who complicates situations in my head but once they're unraveled out in reality, my thoughts and actions are clear.
I suppose situations seem complicated in my head because there are so many things I am unsure of. I don't even know the point of writing all this. Funny how I've changed. Past blog posts all had a point - a story to tell, a single opinion to express, one complete thought. But now, I don't write with a purpose. I write to find a purpose. I write to help myself find a conclusion. But then, a conclusion to what? I don't know about that either.
A conclusion to why I'm often alone? I know why I'm often alone, though. Not many people here connect with me. I can't find many people who think the way I do or see things the way I see it. I find many people shallow minded, hypocritical, purposeless, and so many other majorly wrong things that I am not interested in fixing. I'm not even interested in ignoring it. I just don't want to have anything to do with it. That's why I have very few friends. But alhamdulillah, the few I have are good people. The friendships we have are simple and honest. The people I connect the absolute best with, I love completely and luckily for me, they feel the same. Maybe that's all I need. No maybe's. That IS all I need.
A conclusion to why I often feel lonely? Because the friends I have are often not in the same place. Months separate us and I often find myself going through days alone and having distant conversations with them. I have to deal with time differences and different schedules and different lifestyles and that's obviously difficult. I have to go days without speaking to them and months without seeing them. Sometimes even years. I am here, living my life without them, while they are wherever they are, living their lives separate from mine. Although we keep connections strong, we communicate often but obviously I'm lonely because long distance conversations are very very different from physical presence. I am lonely because I am alone. I am alone because the people I connect with, the people I WANT to spend time with, are rarely with me.
A conclusion to why I feel alone? Because I think alone but not in the physical sense. My thoughts are rarely shared by people. I find very few people who view things the way I do. And again, the few who share my views are rarely with me. I feel alone because I'm trapped in a place where the opinions of the people where I am are very different to mine. And usually, very different in a negative way. A view that doesn't allow discussion. I don't want to have empty conversations. I don't want narrow-minded friends. I don't want arrogance. I don't want sheep. I want people who challenge, I want people with opinions, I want people with perspective, I want people with logic, I want people with knowledge, I want people who can teach me new things, I want people who can tell me stories about places I've never been, I want people who agree with me, I want people who disagree with me and can rationally tell me why, I want people with reason, I want people with faith, I want people with perspective, I want people with the capacity to change their perspective and also mine, I want people with opinions, I want people with confidence, I want people with grounds, I want people with eloquence. So many other things.
Maybe THAT'S why I'm lonely, why I'm alone and why I feel alone. I want too much out of people. I expect too much and whenever I meet someone new who falls short, I end up disappointed and disheartened and annoyed even. Maybe I'm too picky.
But is it too much to ask? I don't think so. I HAVE found people who possess all that and more. I know they're out there, although few and far in between. They exist. Why should I lower my standards of the people I surround myself with just to make myself feel content with company? Why should I be with people who don't make me fully happy? At least I know what and who and what it is about whoever that makes me happy.
Why am I just generally, not 100% happy with the company I have?
Because the company you enjoy isn't always here. That's all, Nadia.
They always come back, though. But sometimes, you're all you have and that's okay.
