Uncertainties
I never thought that I would be working an office job, with a desk and phone and business card with the whole charade of meeting clients and acting professional; yet it happened. I went into uni a blank slate, not knowing what I was going to do with my life but ever so optimistically assuming that whatever it was, I would love it. My first internship at the zoo seemed to confirm this - I had magically gotten a temporary job that I was in love with, that was stimulating, that was 'cool' and I never woke up feeling unhappy about where I was in life. I had interesting conversations every single day, I rarely felt isolated or stuck - I was growing, even though I didn't know it at the time. I thought I would magically fall into a profession that would suit me and that I'd always be in an environment as stimulating and dynamic. It didn't occur to me as literally as it does now, but it never occurred to me that I could one day feel bored and uninterested.
Now, I work in an office. The most stimulating conversations I have revolve around where to eat for lunch and whether I should offer a mint to the colleague suffering from halitosis. This was far from what I expected from life but - nothing is set in stone. Accept it. You can try to change it, but nothing is set in stone.
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Goodbyes
As a child, I was always a huge blubbering baby whenever it came to saying goodbye to anyone. When I was really young, I'd always feel a little daunted when going to sleep at a cousins' house because that meant leaving home and my bed and my parents and things would be different at this cousins' house. I would be fine during the day and enjoy myself when playing with them, but when it came to night time I would pretty often lose it, start crying because I missed my parents and my bed and all things familiar. It could get pretty bad because I remember my parents often coming over to pick me up from the failed sleepover. As I grew a little older, I outgrew the habit of crying when it came to bedtime and could stay with any relative for however long BUT the crying moved up to when my parents dropped me off and I had to say goodbye to them. I'd cry at the beginning but I learnt how to keep a brave face and go through with spending time away from them. Obviously, when you're that young, your parents are your whole world and whenever you're away from them, every sense of stability and security vanishes.
When I became a teenager, the family dynamic changed. I was at home a lot less often, my parents would spend a lot of time away from me and I'd spend nearly weeks on end with a family friend. No crying as a teenager but it taught me to rely on myself more and to be self-sufficient when it came to stability and security.
Then when you get a serious partner, self sufficiency becomes a little moot. You might revert back to childhood and assign most of that stability and security to this one being that you love and luckily, loves you back. As far as relationships go, that's the goal. You share and shape your life, your habits and your whole self with a person who wants to do the same - much like how a child shapes their life, habits and self with their parents.
What will really test your stuffing and your tenacity is when life forces you to say goodbye to those who have that much anchorage with your life. When you've had to watch them leave with no say in it. It could come in any way - death, distance, time, anything. What makes it harder is when you watch other people go by with the privilege of merely having their loved ones around them and life has somehow not granted you that privilege. You will find yourself clenching a hand just to remind yourself that it will be some time until someone else will clench back and that you have to stand strong and be patient on your own for a while. You will find yourself doing something simple like eating a piece of chicken and being a little upset because you're not able to share it with someone you miss. You will not have the privilege of taking a person for granted. It's truly a test of what you're made of, but whatever it is that separates you from a loved one will change you. You might not feel it's for the better, but you won't be the same version of yourself as when you had them by your side.
By "you", I'm talking to me mostly. Life is full of uncertainties, but one thing that is certain is goodbyes. We will all bid farewell to someone we love in this life, we will all feel this emptiness at some point. The only question is when it will happen. I night as well get used to it?
