Impressions.

I was looking through MySpace and started browsing through my friends list, started checking out random profiles of random people. Some are good friends, some juniors, some seniors, some I don't even know but don't know how they got into my friends list. Then I realized I was kinda subconciously dividing them into groups. Like, "eew, this kid is lame" "wow, she's so pretty" "whoa, hebatnya budak ni".

Then I thought about how someone out there who does not know me at all can be judging me based on a couple of sentences I write and a picture I posted. Someone could be sorting me into this mental group of exclusivity and decide whether I'm likable or not.

And that kinda freaks me out because heck, I don't know what kind of image I'm projecting to the world. To me, I'm just a 17 year old who is currently trying to get through SPM (which reminds me, I gotta get back to Bio).

But I have to wonder.. What do I look like to the world out there? I'd like to know.

Question.

You ever get that feeling of inadequacy that's so powerful that you feel like all you deserve to do is to just sit in a corner alone, shrivel up into dust and get blown away?
Just keep out of everyone's way because all you are is a nuisance. You're the bug on the windscreen, you're the mosquito bite during a sunny day, you're the piece of lizard shit on the clean wall.
And all you can do is hope to shrink into the distance and that nobody notices that you're gone. Just so that everyone gets their peace of mind and nobody's miserable because of you.

But sometimes when you're trying to do just that, that still doesn't cut it because instead of doing what you're expected to do (which wasn't good enough to begin with), you're doing nothing. Which is a bad thing.
Then things get so demanding and so tense that all you want to do is open your mouth and scream your lungs out but you can't. Because that's just not the right thing to do. The right thing, (or the expected thing) to do is to keep quiet and listen to how wrong you are in a persons eyes.
And so you press your lips together and do everything you can to hold in that stream of words struggling to flow out. You start taking deep calming breaths, you start clenching your fists to keep the anger in, you wedge your feet together to avoid a foot from springing out and kicking something.

Then when the demands are over, you feel so exhausted from keeping in all that anger that you just want to close your eyes, fall asleep and forget. But you can't.
All you want is a clear head and conscience, but there's so many things running through your head. So you wade through the day, head congested with guilt and anger, hoping with all your heart for better tomorrows.

You ever feel like that?

Hey, Mer

Ezmeer Putera is reading my blog right now. He is feasting his eyes on my mind and past thoughts. He is enjoying every second of it. I can tell because he's asking me all sorts of questions.

"Nad, what happened on the 12th of July?"
"Nad, apa maksud smirk?"
"Nad, your post pasal Strength tu pasal siapa?" (tak perasan ada nama kat bawah tu)

Punyelah jahil Ezmeer ni, since last year I had this blog sampai ada gossip that my blog was blacklisted by some teacher and that they're all talking about 4SB because of what I said on my blog and si Ezmeer Putera ni tak tahu.

This person is the one who knows me inside and out, this person is the person who I can say knows me the best, this person is the one who can tell when I seem different and half the time, he thinks the same thoughts as I do.

The things other people know absolutely zero about, he knows. The things that other people know everything about, he doesn't know.
Terbalik betul.

It's funny when I think about how terbalik we can be sometimes. Maybe that's why we enjoy ourselves so much.