2016 goodbyes and 2019 goodbyes

2016:

Whenever I watch movies, it's always goodbye scenes that tear me up. Whether it's a boy saying goodbye to his alien friend like in ET, or a little girl saying goodbye to her father like in Interstellar, or an ape mother having to say goodbye to her adopted human son like in Tarzan. Goodbyes are hard to take in without weeping like a baby.

That's because, to me at least, saying goodbye to people you love is the hardest thing to bear. That's because, even though you know it might be temporary, everything is thrown into a change. Things you want to share with the people you love - you won't be able to. Things lose their sweetness. Whether you've had to leave to bigger and better things, you'll miss the people who made it possible for you. You won't be able to help but think "I wish they were here to see this with me." The new things you're supposed to enjoy have a bitter aftertaste to the sweetness. You'll be engulfed in these bigger and better things, building something you wouldn't have been able to if you stayed but in the back of your mind, you'll think, "I wish you were here with me to see this." "You would have loved it." You can record and recount every detail of your newness and joy but you'll never be able to bring that moment back to share it with that person you said goodbye to, no matter how much you want to.

Whether you've been left behind while someone has gone - nothing has physically changed in your life but everything looks different to you. Something as simple as buying bread at a place you once went to together could make you think, "When we were here together, you made a funny joke and we laughed about it for a long time". You could look at your couch and imagine that person sitting there like they used to, curled up in their usual spot.


2019:

Edit: I saved that as a draft in 2016. Here I am now, 26th January 2019. I revisited this graveyard of a blog because this morning, I said goodbye yet again. But this time it wasn't a physical goodbye. It was a more difficult goodbye. Now I sit here at my usual spot in the office, pretending to work and holding back my tears, marveling a bit at how little my circumstances have changed. Goodbyes still hurt, the pain of wishing you could share joy and happiness with someone who isn't present is still there. But now, the goodbye comes with the sting of realizing that even though you're hurting and upset and angry and bitter, the world still moves forward. Life is still progressing even though you're not ready for it. Things are happening whether you like it or not so you just have to pull your socks up, wipe away your tears and snot, get on with it.