Yes, no, maybe. I don't know.

I am thinking of applying for a post on my university's Media Crew. Maybe as photographer or journalist. Photographer would be the easier post since all I'd have to do is click a button and make it look pretty. On the other hand, being a journalist would be more interesting and I would actually be able to write something without having to worry about "cautious language", "sentence structure", "topic sentences" and all that (english lectures, yuck). And covering "Campus Life and Opinion" would be right up my alley because I'm living on campus and I have plenty of opinion and I've gotten pretty good feedback from people about my writing skills.

But photography would be more fun. And I might just improve whatever small skill I have. And I would look so awesome with an SLR around my neck :)

But the SLR is so heavy and makes my neck sweat and I always feel like there's a layer of daki where the strap to the SLR hangs because it's so thick and heavy.

But I would look so awesome.

Or I just apply for both and see whether I'm even offered a post.

Or I apply for none and focus on my studies, since lord knows I need to get it together.

Or I just apply and let it become a distraction from my studies to avoid myself from working too hard.

HAHAHAHA I made a joke. Working too hard. As if I ever do.

Ok, I think I will just apply. Okay. Yes. APPLY.





But for what?

What Twitter and Tumblr did to me

Twitter --
I compress everything into 140 characters or less. My thoughts become so random and insignificant and small so that they can fit into 140 characters or less. Bigger and deeper thoughts are difficult to break down to fit into Twitter, so I don't tweet about them. I just abandon any big and deep thoughts and continue thinking small and stupid.

Tumblr--
I read through other peoples thoughts and reblogged anything that seemed to resemble my own thoughts. It's like other people's thoughts become my thoughts. And I become the same as everybody else.

Maybe I should delete my Twitter and Tumblr and stick to blogging like I used to? I feel like I was more intelligent when I actually had to think of my own words and not steal other peoples stupid lines.

When all else fails, make a list.

I want to write about so many things. So, I shall make a list. Because lists are fun to make :)

1. I've entered university. I'm currently studying at University of Nottingham, which might sound fancy but its not. Why? Because it's in the middle of nowhere. Semenyih, to be exact. Where the hell is Semenyih? Even I'm not too sure but it's in Selangor and it's 45 minutes away from Mid Valley by train on a day where we actually arrive on time and don't miss the trains.

2. So far, its only been a month since I've started here but I think too many people know who I am. I guess it's because I stick out like a sore thumb wrapped in a frilly pink bandage. I feel like I'm neither here nor there, in the sense that I don't look local but I don't sound foreign but at the same time I'm not from KL; I'm from Kuantan which doesn't justify the way I speak, the way I dress or the way I look. And since this place has people from all over the place, everybody has second guesses about me. I can lie and say I'm from Pakistan or Egypt or Europe and people will be like 50/50 but when I tell them the truth that I'm from Kuantan, they accept it but not without saying "Seriously?" or "Don't lie" or "That's in Malaysia, right?". Even my reaction to this is neither here nor there. I'm sort of flattered but kind of put off at the same time. I mean, come on. I'm not THAT different. Not that I don't enjoy being different, but I'm not so very different. Am I? See, neither here nor there.

3. It's only been a month but I've seen so many different kinds of people that I love and hate. There are the most beautiful Kazakhs and Irani's here, there are the Africans who look so alike that I can't tell one from the other and then there are the typical Malaysians who speak Manglish and say "I want nasi lemak" every single day. There are people who are sweet and huggable, there are people who are just here to smoke cigarettes and weed, two-faced people, hairy people, handsome people, really weird looking people, super rich people, extremely smart people and I can go on and on and on and on. This is like my ultimate people-watching spot because there are so many different kinds of people to watch.

4. The food here sucks. I'm eating Pakistani food everyday which includes briyani and naan. Good thing there's a pool here (which I don't use that frequently anyway, so no use haha)

5. K I'm out of ideas. This turned out to be a sucky list.

I have moved to

this address

I like turtles

I just watched an episode of Scrubs where the janitor got married. You know, the thing I like about Scrubs is that no matter how wacky or random or stupid the antics may be, a message is always thrown right into your face. And a pretty big message at that.

Like the episode I just watched went and threw this sucker to me : Love is capable of changing you, whether you like it or not. And no matter what, it's going to be a good change.

Got me thinking (hence this post, duh), have my past relationships changed me for the better or am I just the same crappy person I was a few years ago?

Quick recap :

Relationship #1 - Started lying to my parents for his sake. Don't think it was a good change.

Relationship #2 - Started being more and more judgmental, materialistic, picky and downright cruel. Not good change.

Relationship #3 - Started giving up on believing there is such a thing as real love altogether. Well, isn't this a happy thought?

So anyway, here I am today. I went from a a 15 year old girl who would jump over the moon with joy if her dearly beloved gave her a bar of chocolate, to an 18 year old girl who would gladly burn all romance novels and chick lits because of their sickening happy endings and perfect little romantic scenarios.

But back in a little corner of my mind, there's this question. Maybe I just haven't found the right person to change me? This feeling of boundless love has to be real. I know it is because I've seen it. I've seen people change for me. I've seen the way they love endlessly. That's what makes things so difficult and imperfect for me. I have yet to find somebody who I am going to love endlessly. I have to find someone I myself love, and who loves me back. In that real way, not that stupid meaningless "I love you because you're so hot/pretty and I just wanna fuck you" way.

I think Scrubs left something out in their message. It should be - Someone you really love is capable of changing you, whether you like it or not. And no matter what, it's going to be a good change.

I am growing up!

5 years ago - I was 13 and just entered secondary school. I had very long and straight hair, dressed in baggy t-shirts, my brother's old shorts, listened to 50 cent, wore strap-on sandals and made friends with pretty much everyone. I was on the drama team, still went for ballet on weekdays and gymnastics on weekends. I had plenty of friends and was considered a "well-rounded" and "bubbly" person. At the end of the year, I had some pretty rough moments with an almost-divorce, a bit of blood and some sobering up on my part. I cut my hair and it changed from long and straight to short and wavy.

4 years ago - I was 14 and got demoted to a pretty shitty class. I mixed with some pretty weird people and started being judgmental. I slacked off from my studies. Brother started living in Klang, which meant I was away from my family most of the time. Stopped all of my out-of-school activities and got swamped with tuition classes and homework. Started fighting with parents and got bad grades in school. Discovered boys. Discovered bands. Discovered writing.

3 years ago - I was 15. I found Azam, my first boyfriend and fell totally head over heels. Started lying to parents to go out with him, started using my friends to cover for me which was all a waste of time anyway. I found Dayah and Hani, my first real friends after a long time. Put myself back on track, got good grades for PMR :)

2 years ago - I was 16. I cut my hair short. Got involved and broke up with Zul. Had a big party year with fun classmates and equally fun teachers. Never took things seriously for a whole year. Made close friends. Started getting obsessed with certain bands.

1 year ago - I was 17. Got involved in a messy relationship with a good friend and ended badly (big mistake). Pushed things aside, studied, got good grades for SPM :)

Today - I am 18. I dyed my hair. I am going to study psychology. I lost some phony "friends" and kept my real ones. I listen to 80's rock, screamo and acoustic at the same time. I have goals and ambitions. I can drive. I can play guitar, drums and piano. I can tell you the meaning of several Latin phrases. I am learning Spanish. I am satisfied with what I grew up to be. And I'm going to keep on growing and see where that takes me.

Things I need to remember about life

1. Nobody is what they seem to be.
2. Cursing and swearing will not get you anywhere.
3. Friends come and go. Nobody, if not a precious few, will last.
4. Trust no one but yourself. You make your way in life.
5. Never look back.
6. Smile.