What does it mean to not belong to a group but instead, belong to several close friendships that do not overlap? Social psychology classes (not that I attended very many) insinuate that forming groups is a natural part of human social interaction. Forming a sort of alliance to reach a common goal, as it's formally put forward. But often, I can never share a common goal with a whole group of people. Or actually, I don't even have a goal. I don't know what I'm aiming for with a bunch of people. It's easier to find a common interest with just the single person. One life partner. One best girlfriend. One best boyfriend. One best friend to act stupid and do nothing and talk about nothing with. One best other friend to have serious conversations about society. Isn't that simpler? Well, maybe only to me.
And yet, it's incredibly lonely to not belong to a tight knit group. Here I am in this two-way problem - on the one hand, I like my single friendships because it's so much easier and fulfilling to maintain. I know who to speak to about specific things and where to turn to for specific problems, where to go to feel or say a certain thing. And yet, I long for that sense of belonging to a group or a society. To be accepted by a whole bunch of people who like the same things I do. Although, I know this will probably never happen because... I don't know. Because I'm too cynical? I think too differently? I think too much? I think thoughts that are un-thought of by most others? I don't know. ***
Lots of the time, I talk to other people and wonder why they think the way they do and why they come to the conclusions they draw. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not supposed to think about THE WAY THEY THINK but about WHAT THEY THINK. I'm supposed to relate to the problem, not relate to the way they think of the problem.
But doesn't that make me the same as everyone else? Won't that make me give the same opinion as what everyone else does about their problem?
*** Then there are the feelings and problems that I think God has designed exclusively for me so I don't speak about them to anyone I know at all. At least not extensively. They might know the gist but the details are always inside my head and never out. Mostly because I know they won't or can't relate. Even if they try, they aren't capable of giving me the advice I need because it is a decision/conclusion I need to come to on my own. I don't blame anyone for not being capable of helping me solve a problem or dealing with a feeling because they aren't in my shoes and they don't know how I feel 100% no matter how eloquently I can express myself. No matter what, my thoughts will always be mine. So the problems that I have related to thoughts, they will only be solved by me. And those are always the hardest problems.
There is the one person, however, who claims to know me better than anyone; maybe better than even I know myself. "I can read you like a kindergarten book", his exact words. Everyday I am grateful for this opinion, because even though it might probably be untrue, I'm glad someone feels they truly understand me because sometimes I don't even understand myself. On the other hand, maybe he's right. I actually AM an open book, it's just me who complicates situations in my head but once they're unraveled out in reality, my thoughts and actions are clear.
I suppose situations seem complicated in my head because there are so many things I am unsure of. I don't even know the point of writing all this. Funny how I've changed. Past blog posts all had a point - a story to tell, a single opinion to express, one complete thought. But now, I don't write with a purpose. I write to find a purpose. I write to help myself find a conclusion. But then, a conclusion to what? I don't know about that either.
A conclusion to why I'm often alone? I know why I'm often alone, though. Not many people here connect with me. I can't find many people who think the way I do or see things the way I see it. I find many people shallow minded, hypocritical, purposeless, and so many other majorly wrong things that I am not interested in fixing. I'm not even interested in ignoring it. I just don't want to have anything to do with it. That's why I have very few friends. But alhamdulillah, the few I have are good people. The friendships we have are simple and honest. The people I connect the absolute best with, I love completely and luckily for me, they feel the same. Maybe that's all I need. No maybe's. That IS all I need.
A conclusion to why I often feel lonely? Because the friends I have are often not in the same place. Months separate us and I often find myself going through days alone and having distant conversations with them. I have to deal with time differences and different schedules and different lifestyles and that's obviously difficult. I have to go days without speaking to them and months without seeing them. Sometimes even years. I am here, living my life without them, while they are wherever they are, living their lives separate from mine. Although we keep connections strong, we communicate often but obviously I'm lonely because long distance conversations are very very different from physical presence. I am lonely because I am alone. I am alone because the people I connect with, the people I WANT to spend time with, are rarely with me.
A conclusion to why I feel alone? Because I think alone but not in the physical sense. My thoughts are rarely shared by people. I find very few people who view things the way I do. And again, the few who share my views are rarely with me. I feel alone because I'm trapped in a place where the opinions of the people where I am are very different to mine. And usually, very different in a negative way. A view that doesn't allow discussion. I don't want to have empty conversations. I don't want narrow-minded friends. I don't want arrogance. I don't want sheep. I want people who challenge, I want people with opinions, I want people with perspective, I want people with logic, I want people with knowledge, I want people who can teach me new things, I want people who can tell me stories about places I've never been, I want people who agree with me, I want people who disagree with me and can rationally tell me why, I want people with reason, I want people with faith, I want people with perspective, I want people with the capacity to change their perspective and also mine, I want people with opinions, I want people with confidence, I want people with grounds, I want people with eloquence. So many other things.
Maybe THAT'S why I'm lonely, why I'm alone and why I feel alone. I want too much out of people. I expect too much and whenever I meet someone new who falls short, I end up disappointed and disheartened and annoyed even. Maybe I'm too picky.
But is it too much to ask? I don't think so. I HAVE found people who possess all that and more. I know they're out there, although few and far in between. They exist. Why should I lower my standards of the people I surround myself with just to make myself feel content with company? Why should I be with people who don't make me fully happy? At least I know what and who and what it is about whoever that makes me happy.
Why am I just generally, not 100% happy with the company I have?
Because the company you enjoy isn't always here. That's all, Nadia.
They always come back, though. But sometimes, you're all you have and that's okay.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The fucked up test
ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVE DISORDER:
[x] Your mind is all over the place.
[x] You are hyper most of the time.
[x] You barely pay attention to anything.
[x] You can’t cooperate well.
[ ] You talk all of the time.
[ ] You need attention 24/7.
Total: 4
BIPOLAR DISORDER:
[x] You can act wild at times then the next day you are depressed.
[ ] You are very irritable.
[ ] You are antisocial
[x] You have very high self esteem sometimes.
[ ] You are abusing alcohol, drugs or sex.
[x] You have thought of or attempted suicide.
Total: 3
DEPRESSION:
[ ] You are always sad.
[ ] You find no hope in your future.
[x] You find no longer excitement over the activities you use to love.
[x] You always find yourself around the house all day.
[ ] You have low self esteem.
[x] Everything bad that happens is always your fault.
[ ] You always seem to be weak or have physical features hurt.
[ ] You are failing school.
[x] You have thought of or attempted suicide.
[x] You have/tried to run away from home.
[ ] Hope is no longer there for you.
total: 4
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
[ ] You have daily rituals.
[x] You have disturbing thoughts or thoughts you hate.
[x] You have to do a certain thing until it feels right.
[ ] You have to keep things in a certain order.
[ ] You have to check some stuff over again.
total: 2
POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER:
[x] You repeatedly have flashbacks of horrible moments or memories in your life.
[ ] You repeatedly have dreams of horrible moments or memories in your life.
[x] You sometimes think the event will happen again.
[x] You can be antisocial.
[x] You have lost interest in the things you used to love.
[ ] You have not had a lot of sleep lately.
[x] You worry about dying at a early age or dying at all.
[ ] You can have angry outbursts.
[x] You act younger than your age.
total: 6
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
[ ] You often have hallucinations.
[x] You think people are always staring or talking about you.
[x] You have strange, unusual dreams or thoughts.
[ ] You can be confused about reality and fantasy.
[ ] You have extreme anxiety or fearfulness.
[ ] You do not take care of your hygiene like you should
[x] You are very shy.
[x] You often talk to yourself.total: 4
23/45 That's alright... I think.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
You're a prized possession
Conversation Number 1:
"I don't want to spoil your fun la, you're going for the Lil Jon show and I don't wanna ruin it by telling you all my problems now. Besides, it's not a big deal. 'll be fine."
"Nad. I'm one of your closest friends. You know you can tell me anything and I'll be right here for you."
Conversation Number 2:
"Is it okay if I wanna vent?"
"Nadia, you dumbass, you don't even have to ask. You know I'll listen."
Conversation Number 3:
"He's really creeping me out with these messages, what the hell am I going to do?"
"Don't worry, Nadia. I'll handle the idiot. Just stop worrying, I've got your back."
"Yeah Nadia. It's fine. I'll talk to him"
My friends might not be the most conventional of people. They might look weird, seem bad-ass, have a twisted sense of humor that nobody gets or seem strange. They may seem weird and annoying to you, you may not understand what they say sometimes.
Your friends have the perfect hair, beautiful clothes, like mainstream, they're loaded, have the coolest things on the market. But do your attractive, cool, popular friends stick around when you ask them to listen to a problem you have? Do they have your back when you're in a jam?
They don't? Think twice about them. They're not real.
They do? Awesome. You lucked out. Just like I did with my weird friends. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. Neither should you.
"I don't want to spoil your fun la, you're going for the Lil Jon show and I don't wanna ruin it by telling you all my problems now. Besides, it's not a big deal. 'll be fine."
"Nad. I'm one of your closest friends. You know you can tell me anything and I'll be right here for you."
Conversation Number 2:
"Is it okay if I wanna vent?"
"Nadia, you dumbass, you don't even have to ask. You know I'll listen."
Conversation Number 3:
"He's really creeping me out with these messages, what the hell am I going to do?"
"Don't worry, Nadia. I'll handle the idiot. Just stop worrying, I've got your back."
"Yeah Nadia. It's fine. I'll talk to him"
My friends might not be the most conventional of people. They might look weird, seem bad-ass, have a twisted sense of humor that nobody gets or seem strange. They may seem weird and annoying to you, you may not understand what they say sometimes.
Your friends have the perfect hair, beautiful clothes, like mainstream, they're loaded, have the coolest things on the market. But do your attractive, cool, popular friends stick around when you ask them to listen to a problem you have? Do they have your back when you're in a jam?
They don't? Think twice about them. They're not real.
They do? Awesome. You lucked out. Just like I did with my weird friends. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. Neither should you.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
#100factsaboutme
This thing has been on Twitter for so long and I hated having to see it all over my timeline. So I'm putting mine up here so that you have a choice to read it or not. Aren't I nice? :)
#1 I'm doing this because I'm bored but don't want to flood people's timeline with random rubbish about me.
#2 I'm doing this because I'm conceited that way
#3 I am very tech savvy. NOT.
#4 I love citrus or dairy in my food. Combination of the two: HEAVEN. For example, McDonald's Peach and Mango sundae. Fruity creamy deliciousness in a cup.
#5 I can move my ears
#6 Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds freaked the stuffing out of me.
#7 I'm bad with numbers. Don't let the A- in SPM Addmath fooled you. I think it was the low grading curve.
#8 I procrastinate like a mother -
#9 I love playing Guitar Hero
#10 I have an autistic brother
#11 I picked my major (psychology) mostly because of my autistic brother. But it's also because I think human behavior, in general, is interesting as hell.
#12 I'm not so very religious but I like to believe that I know right from wrong.
#13 I love everything about books - the smell, the weight of it in my hand, reading from cover to cover, bookshops, libraries etc.
#14 My favorite book ever - Life of Pi
#15 People tell me I'm good at writing but I hate it. I only write when there's too much stuff in my head.
#16 I'm a movie buff.
#17 I feel insecure around people I find very cool.
#18 I turn very quiet when I feel insecure
#19 I can't cook to save my life
#20 I like watching cooking shows and turn green with envy because the chefs make everything look so incredibly easy
#21 My sense of humor is very weird, not many people get it. But the people who get my humor say I'm very funny.
#22 I used to never cry when watching sad movies, but now I cry a lot more. I don't know what changed.
#23 I have too many clothes but I only wear the ones I really like all the time
#24 I'm lazy
#25 My favorite number is 7
#26 Tall people grab my attention very quickly
#27 I have stretchmarks on my knees, my worst feature.
#28 My dad is my favorite person in the world
#29 I like wooden floors. I think they automatically make a house look cleaner.
#30 I don't like drying myself off with a damp towel
#31 I don't really like partying.
#32 I have never smoked a cigarette in my life
#33 I think I'm slightly addicted to Facebook
#34 Smart people are super sexy in my eyes
#35 I used to dance ballet but I stopped after Grade 6
#36 I regret stopping ballet lessons
#37 I regret not visiting the studio to talk to my old ballet teacher before he died
#38 I used to act as a child
#39 I can recite almost every line from the movie Emperor's New Groove
#40 I can touch the floor without bending my knees
#41 My sense of direction is horrendous
#42 I was on my school debate team
#43 I can sleep for more than 12 hours if nobody wakes me up
#44 I used to have stick straight hair when I was younger. I don't know why or how it turned wavy
#45 I can make a really weird cracking sound with my shoulders
#46 I don't know what NATO stands for
#47 I've always wanted to visit New York
#48 I always wonder who my future husband will be and what he'll be like
#49 I have 4 cats at home
#50 As of now, I have 5 scars thanks to my cats
#51 I'm bad at keeping in touch with people
#52 I get pimples all the time on my forehead
#53 I bite my lips
#54 I don't like wearing skirts or dresses
#55 I HATE wearing make up
#56 I always wished I had the ability to play the piano by ear
#57 I like taking hour showers
#58 Prominent cheek bones are a huge turn on for me. Exhibit A: Johnny Depp. Exhibit B: Olivia Wilde
#59 I'm very disorganized
#60 I don't like Malaysian weather
#61 I don't care for politics
#62 I get annoyed when people ask me for advice but never take it when I give it to them.
#63 The voice in my head swears a lot
#64 I love mangoes
#65 I like sleeping with a lot of pillows
#66 Red is my favorite color
#67 My music taste is very diverse. In my iPod right now, you can find metal, classical music and dubstep in the same playlist.
#68 I don't usually talk a lot. It's usually people talking to me and me listening to them. Which I don't mind at all.
#69 I don't get what the number 69 means in "those" terms.
#70 I've never tasted alcohol
#71 I am, however, tempted to try out weed. But I don't think I will.
#72 I don't like people calling me by my middle name
#73 I lose respect for people when they tell me "I just did it to fit in"
#74 I clench my fists and walk away when I'm angry at my parents
#75 I never pay much attention to what I look like.
#76 My parents and I are pretty racist. But we only show it among each other.
#77 Pink = bad
#78 I like waterparks and themeparks
#79 When I laugh, my eyes practically disappear
#80 I pierced my nose before I pierced my ears at 18. Then I realized the nose piercing looked slutty. Plus it snagged on my blanket anyway so I took it out.
#81 I am not close to any of my cousins even though I'd like to.
#82 I hate my campus food. I eat like a pig when I come home.
#83 I think girls with short hair are hot.
#84 People think I'm bi, but I honestly am not. I just like looking at pretty girls because there are a lot more hot girls than hot guys.
#85 I used to be an awesome horse-rider
#86 I can still do cartwheels
#87 My hands are roughly the size of my face
#88 I've dated 2 guys who are shorter than me. Didn't really like it.
#89 I don't like being poked in reality. Facebook pokes are ok
#90 I'm very ticklish.
#91 I have zero knowledge about public transportation
#92 I always have a good time in IKEA
#93 I like long sleeved tops and shirts
#94 I love beaches
#95 When I was a kid, I made a promise to an uncle to become a doctor but ended up taking psychology. I don't know whether he remembers the promise but I still feel kinda bad.
#96 I can't stand long toenails
#97 I'm taller than my mother
#98 I hated primary school
#99 I love durians
#100 I'm done! I need the bathroom
#1 I'm doing this because I'm bored but don't want to flood people's timeline with random rubbish about me.
#2 I'm doing this because I'm conceited that way
#3 I am very tech savvy. NOT.
#4 I love citrus or dairy in my food. Combination of the two: HEAVEN. For example, McDonald's Peach and Mango sundae. Fruity creamy deliciousness in a cup.
#5 I can move my ears
#6 Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds freaked the stuffing out of me.
#7 I'm bad with numbers. Don't let the A- in SPM Addmath fooled you. I think it was the low grading curve.
#8 I procrastinate like a mother -
#9 I love playing Guitar Hero
#10 I have an autistic brother
#11 I picked my major (psychology) mostly because of my autistic brother. But it's also because I think human behavior, in general, is interesting as hell.
#12 I'm not so very religious but I like to believe that I know right from wrong.
#13 I love everything about books - the smell, the weight of it in my hand, reading from cover to cover, bookshops, libraries etc.
#14 My favorite book ever - Life of Pi
#15 People tell me I'm good at writing but I hate it. I only write when there's too much stuff in my head.
#16 I'm a movie buff.
#17 I feel insecure around people I find very cool.
#18 I turn very quiet when I feel insecure
#19 I can't cook to save my life
#20 I like watching cooking shows and turn green with envy because the chefs make everything look so incredibly easy
#21 My sense of humor is very weird, not many people get it. But the people who get my humor say I'm very funny.
#22 I used to never cry when watching sad movies, but now I cry a lot more. I don't know what changed.
#23 I have too many clothes but I only wear the ones I really like all the time
#24 I'm lazy
#25 My favorite number is 7
#26 Tall people grab my attention very quickly
#27 I have stretchmarks on my knees, my worst feature.
#28 My dad is my favorite person in the world
#29 I like wooden floors. I think they automatically make a house look cleaner.
#30 I don't like drying myself off with a damp towel
#31 I don't really like partying.
#32 I have never smoked a cigarette in my life
#33 I think I'm slightly addicted to Facebook
#34 Smart people are super sexy in my eyes
#35 I used to dance ballet but I stopped after Grade 6
#36 I regret stopping ballet lessons
#37 I regret not visiting the studio to talk to my old ballet teacher before he died
#38 I used to act as a child
#39 I can recite almost every line from the movie Emperor's New Groove
#40 I can touch the floor without bending my knees
#41 My sense of direction is horrendous
#42 I was on my school debate team
#43 I can sleep for more than 12 hours if nobody wakes me up
#44 I used to have stick straight hair when I was younger. I don't know why or how it turned wavy
#45 I can make a really weird cracking sound with my shoulders
#46 I don't know what NATO stands for
#47 I've always wanted to visit New York
#48 I always wonder who my future husband will be and what he'll be like
#49 I have 4 cats at home
#50 As of now, I have 5 scars thanks to my cats
#51 I'm bad at keeping in touch with people
#52 I get pimples all the time on my forehead
#53 I bite my lips
#54 I don't like wearing skirts or dresses
#55 I HATE wearing make up
#56 I always wished I had the ability to play the piano by ear
#57 I like taking hour showers
#58 Prominent cheek bones are a huge turn on for me. Exhibit A: Johnny Depp. Exhibit B: Olivia Wilde
#59 I'm very disorganized
#60 I don't like Malaysian weather
#61 I don't care for politics
#62 I get annoyed when people ask me for advice but never take it when I give it to them.
#63 The voice in my head swears a lot
#64 I love mangoes
#65 I like sleeping with a lot of pillows
#66 Red is my favorite color
#67 My music taste is very diverse. In my iPod right now, you can find metal, classical music and dubstep in the same playlist.
#68 I don't usually talk a lot. It's usually people talking to me and me listening to them. Which I don't mind at all.
#69 I don't get what the number 69 means in "those" terms.
#70 I've never tasted alcohol
#71 I am, however, tempted to try out weed. But I don't think I will.
#72 I don't like people calling me by my middle name
#73 I lose respect for people when they tell me "I just did it to fit in"
#74 I clench my fists and walk away when I'm angry at my parents
#75 I never pay much attention to what I look like.
#76 My parents and I are pretty racist. But we only show it among each other.
#77 Pink = bad
#78 I like waterparks and themeparks
#79 When I laugh, my eyes practically disappear
#80 I pierced my nose before I pierced my ears at 18. Then I realized the nose piercing looked slutty. Plus it snagged on my blanket anyway so I took it out.
#81 I am not close to any of my cousins even though I'd like to.
#82 I hate my campus food. I eat like a pig when I come home.
#83 I think girls with short hair are hot.
#84 People think I'm bi, but I honestly am not. I just like looking at pretty girls because there are a lot more hot girls than hot guys.
#85 I used to be an awesome horse-rider
#86 I can still do cartwheels
#87 My hands are roughly the size of my face
#88 I've dated 2 guys who are shorter than me. Didn't really like it.
#89 I don't like being poked in reality. Facebook pokes are ok
#90 I'm very ticklish.
#91 I have zero knowledge about public transportation
#92 I always have a good time in IKEA
#93 I like long sleeved tops and shirts
#94 I love beaches
#95 When I was a kid, I made a promise to an uncle to become a doctor but ended up taking psychology. I don't know whether he remembers the promise but I still feel kinda bad.
#96 I can't stand long toenails
#97 I'm taller than my mother
#98 I hated primary school
#99 I love durians
#100 I'm done! I need the bathroom
Monday, March 14, 2011
Toy Story 3 made me cry
I have just finished watching Toy Story 3. I've watched it two times and the ending has made me cry both times. There's something funny about these movies that have something to do with your life. Any movie that I've watched countless times as a child leaves me with mixed feelings now that I'm grown up. I feel sad, nostalgic, happy, giddy, depressed and sharp all at once and it's very easy to understand why.
You know when you're a kid and whenever you watch a movie, you feel like it could just happen in your own life? Don't be a wuss and deny that. I'm not going to lie, I used to watch for my toys to move and talk after I watched Toy Story for the first time. Then when I never caught any of my old toys moving, I'd beg my parents to buy me the Toy Story models that Toys 'R Us were selling because I was convinced that those toys would walk and talk. And when I realized they wouldn't, I'd try to make it as real as possible. I'd write my name at the back of Woody and Jessie's boot the way Andy did, I'd make up short soap operas with my Barbie dolls, I'd construct trains or spaceships out of boxes to transport my toy troops to wherever they needed to be, be it space or a desert or just to MS Garden (the biggest hotel in Kuantan which was the most glamorous place ever to a child growing up there).
Then the stories stop. Andy and I grow up. We went through primary and secondary school, and suddenly, we're off to college (at the same time, no shit). At the end of Toy Story 3, Andy ends up giving his toys to a little girl called Bonnie. He gets all emotional and gives some kind of elegy about every single one of his toys.
Some deprived teenager's reaction to this:
"MY GOD, THIS BOY. SUCH A WUSS, JUST GIVE AWAY YOUR DAMN TOYS AND GO GET LAID IN COLLEGE ALREADY."
My reaction:
"OH MY SWEET PATOOTIES, THIS IS SO BLOODY SAD, DAMN IT WHERE ARE THE TISSUES?"
Reader's reaction to my reaction:
"What. The. Fuck."
Yes, yes, so maybe I teared up and got really emotional at the end of Toy Story 3 and you know why? Because I didn't like saying goodbye to my childhood. Nobody does. Andy sure as hell doesn't like it. If Andy had his way, he'd take Woody off to college with him and probably have Woody by his side while he tries to pick up chicks (and failing, obviously, because what girl would want a guy who sleeps with a cowboy doll at 17?)
But then, nobody gets to have it that way. Everyone would like to have some part of their childhood to hold on to. We all want to keep the carefree feeling we had as kids. Our biggest worry was when our favorite toy got ripped or lost. Then when we grow up, when things start getting bigger and serious, simple things like the joy of making up a story with your own imagination becomes forgotten. We try finding joy from complicated things, which more often than not bring stress and sadness, like relationships or success at work or drugs.
We all grow up. We all have to deal with moving on to the bigger things in life and let our old things go. But then, I like to think that it's more than okay to look back occasionally and keep some parts that can remind us of our childhood because all in all, those good times with our imagination is part of what made us who we are now in the first place.
Fucking cheesy, but deal with it.
So yeah, Andy turns 17, I turn 17. Andy can't seem to let go of Woody, I can't seem to let go of Barbie (and her massive collection of clothes and kitchen set). Andy gives his toys to Bonnie, a daughter of his mother's friend. I give my toys to Shayenne, a daughter of my mother's friend. Andy goes to college, I go to college. Andy grows up, I grow up. Hmm.
I think that Pixar has been secretly stalking me to get ideas for when they get stuck on a plot for Andy's life. I mean, you never know right?
You know when you're a kid and whenever you watch a movie, you feel like it could just happen in your own life? Don't be a wuss and deny that. I'm not going to lie, I used to watch for my toys to move and talk after I watched Toy Story for the first time. Then when I never caught any of my old toys moving, I'd beg my parents to buy me the Toy Story models that Toys 'R Us were selling because I was convinced that those toys would walk and talk. And when I realized they wouldn't, I'd try to make it as real as possible. I'd write my name at the back of Woody and Jessie's boot the way Andy did, I'd make up short soap operas with my Barbie dolls, I'd construct trains or spaceships out of boxes to transport my toy troops to wherever they needed to be, be it space or a desert or just to MS Garden (the biggest hotel in Kuantan which was the most glamorous place ever to a child growing up there).
Then the stories stop. Andy and I grow up. We went through primary and secondary school, and suddenly, we're off to college (at the same time, no shit). At the end of Toy Story 3, Andy ends up giving his toys to a little girl called Bonnie. He gets all emotional and gives some kind of elegy about every single one of his toys.
Some deprived teenager's reaction to this:
"MY GOD, THIS BOY. SUCH A WUSS, JUST GIVE AWAY YOUR DAMN TOYS AND GO GET LAID IN COLLEGE ALREADY."
My reaction:
"OH MY SWEET PATOOTIES, THIS IS SO BLOODY SAD, DAMN IT WHERE ARE THE TISSUES?"
Reader's reaction to my reaction:
"What. The. Fuck."
Yes, yes, so maybe I teared up and got really emotional at the end of Toy Story 3 and you know why? Because I didn't like saying goodbye to my childhood. Nobody does. Andy sure as hell doesn't like it. If Andy had his way, he'd take Woody off to college with him and probably have Woody by his side while he tries to pick up chicks (and failing, obviously, because what girl would want a guy who sleeps with a cowboy doll at 17?)
But then, nobody gets to have it that way. Everyone would like to have some part of their childhood to hold on to. We all want to keep the carefree feeling we had as kids. Our biggest worry was when our favorite toy got ripped or lost. Then when we grow up, when things start getting bigger and serious, simple things like the joy of making up a story with your own imagination becomes forgotten. We try finding joy from complicated things, which more often than not bring stress and sadness, like relationships or success at work or drugs.
We all grow up. We all have to deal with moving on to the bigger things in life and let our old things go. But then, I like to think that it's more than okay to look back occasionally and keep some parts that can remind us of our childhood because all in all, those good times with our imagination is part of what made us who we are now in the first place.
Fucking cheesy, but deal with it.
So yeah, Andy turns 17, I turn 17. Andy can't seem to let go of Woody, I can't seem to let go of Barbie (and her massive collection of clothes and kitchen set). Andy gives his toys to Bonnie, a daughter of his mother's friend. I give my toys to Shayenne, a daughter of my mother's friend. Andy goes to college, I go to college. Andy grows up, I grow up. Hmm.
I think that Pixar has been secretly stalking me to get ideas for when they get stuck on a plot for Andy's life. I mean, you never know right?
Monday, February 28, 2011
Because it's my blog!
I was browsing through random people's notes on Facebook and found this. I used to like filling these out and posting it as bulletins on MySpace but since it's as dead as my uni campus and putting this up on Facebook will make me look like a bored stalker, I'll just put it up here. Because it's my blog!
1.YOUR REAL NAME:
-- Nadia Zulkifli
2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
-- Zalikha No Middle Name. Crap, I don't like Zalikha. I had an ustazah with this name when I was in primary school and she was a preachy middle aged virgin who would get on my case because I was the only kid not wearing a tudung/hijab. I was 10! She could have cut me some slack.
3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
-- Zulna. Wow that does sound like a Star Wars name! :D
4. DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
-- Red kitten. Lol that's fieerrrrceeee
5. SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
--Amirah Kuantan -________________-"
6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
-- The Lime Green Mango Juice. Yeah, that'll save the world.
7. FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
-- Nali
8. STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
-- Chocolate chocolate chip.
9. ROCK STAR NAME:(current pets name, current street name)
-- Letchumy Selamat.
10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
-- Cherry Selamat. Well yeah, that does sound porn-y
11. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
-- Nad-izzle
12.YOUR IRAQI NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name)
-- Alamiafli. Wonder if I actually got that right.
13. YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
-- Black Ah Chong.
14. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
-- Madame Mars Bar
This was fun!
1.YOUR REAL NAME:
-- Nadia Zulkifli
2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
-- Zalikha No Middle Name. Crap, I don't like Zalikha. I had an ustazah with this name when I was in primary school and she was a preachy middle aged virgin who would get on my case because I was the only kid not wearing a tudung/hijab. I was 10! She could have cut me some slack.
3. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
-- Zulna. Wow that does sound like a Star Wars name! :D
4. DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
-- Red kitten. Lol that's fieerrrrceeee
5. SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
--Amirah Kuantan -________________-"
6. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
-- The Lime Green Mango Juice. Yeah, that'll save the world.
7. FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
-- Nali
8. STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
-- Chocolate chocolate chip.
9. ROCK STAR NAME:(current pets name, current street name)
-- Letchumy Selamat.
10. PORN NAME: (1st pet, street you grew up on)
-- Cherry Selamat. Well yeah, that does sound porn-y
11. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)
-- Nad-izzle
12.YOUR IRAQI NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name)
-- Alamiafli. Wonder if I actually got that right.
13. YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
-- Black Ah Chong.
14. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
-- Madame Mars Bar
This was fun!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Random happenings
Today is a completely ordinary day, but for some reason, I'm being super sharp in my observations and have come to realize that my ordinary days are filled with random but funny occurrences.
Waking up; I didn't play my usual morning playlist (yes, I have a morning playlist) because I woke up slightly later than usual. As I was getting ready for the day in silence, I heard lots of things going on in my hall. My bathroom mate had her boyfriend over for the night. He's probably one of those people who have extra flatulence because while he was using the bathroom, I heard a several small farts and a big one. Trying not to laugh out loud, I immediately stepped out of my room and went to class regardless of my hair looking like a turban.
Random thought: If my boyfriend farted a lot in the morning, or in bed, what would the proper reaction be? A gentle snub, merciless teasing, silent suffering or a break up?
Walking to class; A British girl who looked like she was entering an Olympic walkathon passed by me. She looked damp, like she didn't towel off after taking a shower, her hair was wet and even weirder, she was muttering things to herself. Everyone she overtook was staring at her.
In class; I usually sit with a group of 4 other friends, but since I was late today and the table had only room for 4, I sat at the back with another group of people. From the back, I saw that my math lecturer had really big love handles that were especially obvious when he bent over a table to explain a problem. I saw that most of my Malay classmates sit in a row together. I saw a couple in class playing with each others hands under the table. I saw that at least half the class kick their shoes off halfway through the lecture. Before this, all I saw were numbers and random alphabets on the whiteboard and then blurriness, because I'd be too sleepy to concentrate.
During lunch; My powers of observations got switched off because I was hungry and my friend and I discovered that they sell corn on campus. And I'm not talking about those little cups, I'm talking about the WHOLE CORN COB.
Life is pretty surprising sometimes, aye?
Waking up; I didn't play my usual morning playlist (yes, I have a morning playlist) because I woke up slightly later than usual. As I was getting ready for the day in silence, I heard lots of things going on in my hall. My bathroom mate had her boyfriend over for the night. He's probably one of those people who have extra flatulence because while he was using the bathroom, I heard a several small farts and a big one. Trying not to laugh out loud, I immediately stepped out of my room and went to class regardless of my hair looking like a turban.
Random thought: If my boyfriend farted a lot in the morning, or in bed, what would the proper reaction be? A gentle snub, merciless teasing, silent suffering or a break up?
Walking to class; A British girl who looked like she was entering an Olympic walkathon passed by me. She looked damp, like she didn't towel off after taking a shower, her hair was wet and even weirder, she was muttering things to herself. Everyone she overtook was staring at her.
In class; I usually sit with a group of 4 other friends, but since I was late today and the table had only room for 4, I sat at the back with another group of people. From the back, I saw that my math lecturer had really big love handles that were especially obvious when he bent over a table to explain a problem. I saw that most of my Malay classmates sit in a row together. I saw a couple in class playing with each others hands under the table. I saw that at least half the class kick their shoes off halfway through the lecture. Before this, all I saw were numbers and random alphabets on the whiteboard and then blurriness, because I'd be too sleepy to concentrate.
During lunch; My powers of observations got switched off because I was hungry and my friend and I discovered that they sell corn on campus. And I'm not talking about those little cups, I'm talking about the WHOLE CORN COB.
Life is pretty surprising sometimes, aye?
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